Former Flame Fridays - Rachel Stevens

4/11/25

You were featured in volume 2, what has happened since?

I left the Navy right when COVID hit. I really went through a dark night of the soul for a long time, and really suffered from my PTSD from the Navy. Had a nightmare relationship from hell, told him to hit the road. I've been going to school to be an addiction counselor and this month I will become a Certified Peer Counselor. I've always wanted to have a career where I know I'm making a real tangible positive difference in people's lives. I'm thinking I may eventually go for an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, but who knows where life my lead me. I also found out I have autism & Dissociative Identity Disorder. The autism was sort of expected, but it was hard for me to accept DID because DID is so stigmatized, many mental health professionals don't even believe it exists, and many portrayals in the movies of DID are highly inaccurate. It's not at all like the movie Split. Nor are we making it all up. It's a very real condition. I also started therapy and it's really helping me, which is good.

Tin

The tin roof serves as our shelter from the rain, there is warmth here. Snails crawl out from their hiding places while a solitary cricket sings. The air hangs as a tightrope, with no balancing act. Night is your canvas, the palette is vibrant and glows to illuminate your face. The soft smile to launch a thousand ships. I am unafraid.

fresh pomegranate
cut, ready to be devoured
i am ravenous

What/who inspired Tin & Al Uedid? How does it fit into your style/body of work?

Tin was inspired by my feelings for a man I couldn't have. It was my Senior Chief when I was in the Navy, @jmpanshoutyall. His name was Jason. Fraternizing is frowned upon in the Navy though so I had to try to keep it to myself, even though as soon as I got out we hooked up. This poem was my way of doing wish fulfilment, I guess lol. We later had a really bad falling out, but I don't regret it if for no other reason than my infatuation with him spawned many great poems in my opinion.

Al Udeid was written because of my feelings surrounding deployment to the Middle East. We all silently had this unspoken sense of existential dread as soon as we found out where we were going, and got into the C-130, etc. You could tell all of us were thinking the same thing, "What if I never come home?" Even if it's a small chance, it's still a chance.

In the poem I referred to an "aluminum castle", which was actually our smoke pit where we'd hang out behind the hangar and shoot the breeze together, all of us on night shift. It was a real bonding experience that I'm not sure people can fully relate to unless you're also a veteran. The "vomit sand" part is a reference to the scene in Jarhead where Jake Gyllenhaal's character vomits sand. I think that movie really speaks to that existential dread and anxiety you have and have to learn to compartmentalize if you're in any highly demanding and perhaps dangerous profession.

Al Udeid

One thousand and one nights in antiquity. Square nostalgia is a crystal prism for a bond made manifest. The moon reflected our chemical light. Conversations by the aluminum castle breed smoke signals to heaven. Foxes in the ditch and plump rats are a live studio audience. I vomit sand.

fortune cookie broke
in pieces, inside it reads
truly I love you

Why Troublemaker Firestarter? What compels you to submit your work? Why be a writer at the end of the world?

I submitted to Troublemaker Firestarter on a whim. I actually have been writing poems since I was about 7 years old and I remember my early grade school teachers looking at me as if I was a child prodigy when it comes to writing. However, I had low self worth for many years and was afraid to submit anything anywhere until I was 31 after my father passed away. I thought, "fuck it, why not? What do I have to lose?" And it paid off because you accepted me. It was such a huge achievement for me, and it really made me feel like I had "made it." Really can't thank you enough for giving me this opportunity.

Who are your current favorite writers?

Might seem a bit cliché but I enjoy Rupi Kaur. Her poems to me really speak to me. I also am obsessed with Amanda Gorman.

Despite being someone who writes poems (and now romance novels!), I usually read non-fiction. I'm currently reading a book called No Bad Parts, about Internal Family Systems Theory of psychotherapy. I really recommend it. Alanis Morrissette did the forward to it, because apparently it really helped her alot.

Are you a troublemaker, a firestarter, a heartbreaker, a lucky duck, a devil, a terror, or sad and horny?

I'm definitely a firestarter.

Where can people find you?

My X account is @1sillywhore, where I post any manner of things. You never know what to expect.

What would you want the lovely readers of Substack to do?

Please follow me on X. It's the best way to keep track of me as I don't really use anything else. I have a Substack but I rarely use it. Maybe I'll revisit it soon.